To Be With You
by Ian R. Moros
Summary: Takato gets ready for a date with Jenrya but finds himself worrying over everything from what to wear to what his parents might think.
1. To Hold Your Hand

To Be With You

Chapter 1: To Hold Your Hand

August, 2007

Matsuda Bakery, Shinjuku

Looking good, Takato. Looking real good. Feeling good. Feeling clean. That nice hot bath was exactly what I needed. Still got plenty of time to get ready. Don't be nervous Takato. You shouldn't be. You look good. You look damn good. You could be in movies. Let's have a look at those muscles. Yeah, that's the stuff! Now how about the other arm? There we go.

The mirror's all fogged up, so I wipe it off with my towel. That's better. Not to brag or anything, but I _do _look good tonight. Okay, so it's not like I'm a bodybuilder or anything, but I don't think this is too shabby. I try to stay healthy. Eat right. Keep active. And you know what? Even my face is cooperating for once. Not a zit in sight. And my hair's even laying right! Oh yeah, you got this covered, Takato. Don't be nervous.

Why should I be nervous? It's a date. Just a date. I've been on _tons _of dates. Okay, maybe not tons, but a good number. A few. Enough that I don't have to be nervous. Now our first date, yeah. I was super nervous for that. Our first _real _date, I mean. At an actual restaurant, only the two of us. The whole night I kept thinking we were doing something bad and we were sure to be caught.

That was about three and a half months ago. I've gotten a lot calmer about it since then. I can even enjoy myself on a date sometimes! Weird, I know. Tonight is going to be one more date like all the others. Yep, nothing out of the ordinary. Not a thing. I like to know I look good is all. Speaking of which, I should probably shave to be on the safe side.

I turn on the sink and splash some water on my face. I've got to look my best! Not that I'm nervous or anything, because I'm not. Let's see, spread the shaving cream around like so… Good. Now for my razor. Wait, where is it? I could've sworn I left it in this drawer. Mom or dad probably moved it. Why do they always have to move my stuff around? Come on, it's not like I mess with their stuff when—oh wait, there it is.

Relax, Takato. It's just another date. Nothing out of the ordinary. We've been going out at least once a week. Sure, nobody knows about it, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. No reason to be nervous. I can't help it though. Every time I get ready to head out on a date I get butterflies in my stomach. It's so exciting though! I can't wait to get there. We're going out for pizza and a movie. Now that's my kind of date. We're seeing a comedy; it's supposed to be good, but I have to admit I hope there are a few slow parts. You know: those parts of movies that are perfect for making out. I hope we can get a couple seats in the back of the—

Ow! Son of a bitch! I drop my razor and grab a towel to hold to my chin. I cut myself. I definitely cut myself. That'll teach me to pay closer attention. It's not too bad, is it? I take the towel away for a better look. Yeah, I nicked myself there, that's for sure. I get the towel wet and start to dab at it. Crap. I hope I don't need to bandage it. So much for my skin being on my side for once.

Okay, it's not bleeding too badly. It's a pretty shallow cut, so it should be fine. It's really noticeable though. Well, maybe it'll look a little better before I have to go. Still plenty of time, right? I should focus though and finish shaving. Carefully. The last thing I need is to look like I got in a knife fight on the way over.

There we go. Nice and smooth, except for that cut. The bleeding's stopped, at least. Got all the shaving cream washed off and my skin dried. There's a little blood on this towel though. Eh, I'm sure that'll come out. What next? Should I wear cologne? Aftershave? Both? Wait, what _is _aftershave, exactly? I know my dad has some, but I don't think he ever uses it. I've never use any. I think I saw it when I was looking for my razor. Aha, there it is. It's green. I wonder if I should give it a try. I want tonight to be special, after all.

Not that it has to be special! Nope! This is just another date!

Perfectly ordinary.

With Jen.

I unscrew the cap on dad's aftershave. I should at least give it a—gwaugh! Okay, no. No way! I quickly screw the cap back on and shove the bottle into the drawer. No aftershave for me tonight. That stuff is _rank_. If dad was wearing that stuff on his first date with mom… Well, it's a safe bet I wouldn't be here. I'll stick with cologne.

Wait, does Jen like cologne? I don't know. He's never said anything about it. Maybe that means he hates it and he's only being nice! Crap, I probably screwed up all those other dates without even realizing it. Wouldn't he have said something if he liked it? Maybe. Then again, Jen's pretty honest with me. If it bothered him he would have said _something_, right? He hasn't said a word either way. Did he not notice? How could he have missed it? I sprayed it right there on my neck and he… Let's say he's spent some time in that area. Screw it. I'll stick with deodorant.

So what next? Clean-shaven: check. Smelling good: check. Of course! Can't go on a date without fresh breath! I grab my toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, and mouthwash. This should work. Wait, what about the pizza? Will there be garlic on it? If there is I'm done for. Alright, I'll brush my teeth now and worry about that later. I'll eat only bread if I have to. Nothing will go wrong.

Swish-swish, spit, rinse-rinse. Ah, feeling good. Fresh breath, good smile. Gleaming. Sparkling, even! Okay, maybe not sparkling, but my teeth should be good enough. Yeah, this is good. I'm looking good and feeling relaxed. I'm cool as a cucumber. We're going to have a lot of fun. Our dates are always fun, of course, but I want this to be extra fun.

Wait. Did that come out wrong? If so that's not how I meant it! Get your mind out of the gutter. We haven't even done _that_. Yet. Not that I'd mind. I mean, Jen is really great. He's sweet and nice and, well, he's cute. And I love making out with him.

And he did mention that his parents were visiting family in Hong Kong right now…

No. Never mind. I mean, Shiuchon's still there, right? And there's no way we could come back to my place. These walls are paper-thin and that is not my idea of a good way to come out to my parents. Probably better to freak them out with only one thing at a time. Not that I'm going to tell them anytime soon! I will eventually, but not yet. After I move out in a couple years, probably. Or sometime after that. I'm in no rush.

Don't think about that right now, stupid! You've got to finish getting ready. Alright, my hair looks pretty good… except for _that_. It's sticking out a little on the side. Here, I'll—no, that made it worse. Okay, let's try the comb. There, that's looking better. Stay… No. Maybe if I get it wet again. Crap. My hair hates me. Alright, hair, I didn't want to do this, but you've forced my hand! I'm getting the hair gel!

My hair's a real pain to deal with sometimes. It's not long or anything, but it's… full. I think it has a mind of its own. That or it naturally does weird things when I need to look good. If Jen didn't like it so much I think I'd cut it all off. He does though, and I like how it feels when he runs his hand through it. I like… no, I _love _everything about our time together. I wouldn't change a thing, and that includes my hair. So, hair, it looks like you and I are going to have to learn to get along.

Okay, that should be good enough. It looks… okay. Mostly. So long as I don't move my head at all this will work. Forget it; I need to get dressed. I'm gay enough as it is without being late for my date with my _boyfriend _because I had to fix my _hair_.

It's strange. A year ago I wouldn't have even been able to _think_ that. I really hated it whenever someone (usually Ruki or Hirokazu) would make a gay joke about me but I didn't even know why. Or at least I couldn't admit why. Look at me now though! I'm out and proud! …To exactly one other person. That's progress, right? Jen helped me more than he'll ever know. I'd probably still be too scared to admit it if it weren't for him.

I wrap my towel around my waist and step out into the upstairs hallway. I can hear mom and dad downstairs still; sounds like they're making dinner. They know I'm going out with Jen tonight, and that we're getting pizza and seeing a movie. They might be under the impression that Hirokazu and Kenta will be there too though. At least that's what I told them. They don't know it's a date. That's how I like it.

I duck into my room and lock the door behind me. My blinds are closed but there's still a lot of sunlight coming in; it's not even six o'clock yet. I love how the blinds cast lines of sunlight over my walls and the pictures I have hanging up. I might actually have to try drawing an effect like that sometime. I've always loved to draw, but ever since Jen told me how much he likes my drawings I've been working on them all the time. That meant a lot to me. He's even modeled for a few: portraits, usually, though after we started going out I've done a couple full-body sketches. All perfectly tasteful.

The, uh, more "artistic" stuff I had to do with my own imagination. And it's not something I'm planning on showing off anytime soon. Although, if I did get him to act as a live model I wouldn't exactly mind.

All of those portraits have a story, but my favorite is definitely the one I never finished. It's almost a year old now and I don't think I'll ever finish it. It's right there in the front page of one of my sketchbooks. I was excited to break in a new book that day and I loved working with Jen. I'd tell myself it was because he was such a good subject, with a really interesting face, and we were such good friends. All that was true, but the real reason was because I wanted to be around him. Something about being able to sit with him for hours, staring at him, memorizing every subtle curve of his face without any of it seeming the least bit weird really appealed to me.

That particular sketch, though, I will never forget. Jen was quieter than usual that day. There was something a little sad in his eyes. I spent most of my time working on those eyes. I didn't want to ask him if anything was wrong for fear of spoiling the moment. So for about half an hour we were both completely quiet. He sat in my desk chair while I sat on the bed with my sketchpad. It was only a couple days before the summer break ended and I wanted to get in one last sketch with him before we had to worry about class again.

"_Takato?" _he asked so suddenly that I actually jumped.

"_Yeah, Jen?"_

"_Do you like anyone?"_

The question was really unexpected; I didn't even know what he meant at first. It didn't help that I was distracted at the time, trying to get a slight curl in one of his hairs just right. There was a long silence before I responded, but I finally did.

"_Not really." _It was my usual answer when anyone asked, like my parents. _"Do you?"_

Jen shook his head a little. I waited for a few seconds and assumed that was the end of it, so I got back to drawing. The angle of his head changed slightly, but I could adjust. My sketch was coming along really well. About five minutes later he spoke up again.

"_If you did like someone, who would it be?"_

Like with the gay jokes, those kinds of questions always made me a little uncomfortable and I didn't know why. I didn't want him to think I was weird or anything, though, so I threw out the name of a girl I knew from the previous school year. She only came to mind because we'd been teamed up to work on a project together, and she was actually pretty nice. I wasn't actually interested in her like that, but I figured it was what Jen would want to hear. Of course after I answered, I asked Jen the same question.

"_Do you really want to know?"_

"_Sure Jen. That's why I asked."_

"_You're not just being nice?"_

"_I'm not going to make fun of you or anything." _I laughed at that. Jen didn't. That was when I started to notice that there was something a little off about him that day. He wasn't his normal self. His eyes weren't merely serious, they were sad. Something was on his mind. _"Is everything alright?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_You seem a little out of it."_

He tried to put my mind at ease, saying he was tired. It didn't really work, but I humored him. If there was something on his mind he didn't want to talk about I knew there was no way I could get it out of him. Jen's always been like that. I thought that was the end of it, right up until a minute later when he spoke again.

"_Kazuo."_

"_Hm?"_

"_From class."_

"_Oh, yeah. What about him?"_

"_If I liked someone…"_

He didn't finish that sentence. It took me a moment to understand. It took me even longer to believe it. Jen was coming out to me. I never once suspected him. I handled it as best as I could.

"_Jen, do you mean you're…?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Definitely."_

For some reason I wasn't in the mood to do any more drawing. We took things really slow, talking about what he was going through. He told me that he couldn't hold it in any longer; he had to tell someone, and that someone was me. Even now I'm the only one he's told. I know how hard it was on him to come out like that. I wanted to be there for him though. And eight months later he wanted to be there for me. Even knowing he'd support me, it wasn't easy. I owe Jen; his coming out was what first got me to think about myself like that without being afraid.

The day I finally came out to him, I had more than one thing to reveal. We were alone at his place. I asked something stupid, like if he'd seen any cute guys lately. He rolled his eyes at me until I shared a cute guy sighting of my own. He was so great about it. He gave me a hug and kept going on and on about how happy he was not to be alone anymore. He wanted to know everything.

"_How did you figure it out?"_

"_I realized I liked someone."_

"_You did? Who?"_

"_Well, if you really want to know…"_

It was Jen, of course, and after a little prodding I managed to say so. I remember being really embarrassed and Jen says he's never seen me blush like that. As it turned out, Jen wasn't all that into Kazuo. He didn't want to tell me that he liked me, his supposedly straight best friend, "that way" because he was afraid things would be awkward. That was the day I had my first kiss, and a few days later I had my first date.

I admit I like having this secret between us. It's like back when we were kids and kept our digimon secret. We've even used some of the same old places to sneak around; I'm sure Guilmon wouldn't mind that I'm using his old hiding spot to make out with Jen.

Speaking of which, I'd better hurry if I want to get to it. I go to my dresser and pull open the top drawer. Let's see, what underwear should I be wearing tonight? Maybe Terriermon boxers—I bet Jen would get a kick out of that. Or maybe the… Wait a minute. What am I doing? It's underwear! It's not like Jen's going to even see them!

…Probably.

You're losing your mind, Takato. Pick something and go. Not every last detail has to be perfect. Especially not the details he'll never see. I'm nervous is all. Why am I so nervous? Nothing's going to happen. At least nothing more than usual. We'll probably do a little kissing but that will be it. Doing more would be… really nice, I admit. But for now it's not happening.

I grab a pair of underwear and close the top drawer. Should I go with shorts? It's been a warm day, so that should be fine. I could go with slacks if I want to dress up a little. Maybe jeans in case it gets cold after the movie. What kind of look should I go for? Casual? Dressy? …Sexy? Yeah right. I don't think I even own anything I'd call "sexy."

Shorts. I'll go with shorts. It shouldn't be too cold out tonight, and we'll be indoors for most of it. Plus it's more fun to play footsy with bare legs. Sorry, but it's true. I'm not ashamed to say that I really, really, _really _enjoy everything I do with my boyfriend. At least I'm not ashamed to say that in my own head. Saying it out loud with anyone else in the room is another story.

So what if Jen and I have our fun? He's sure not complaining about it. Doesn't make us perverts. I see other couples doing a lot worse all the time. Just because we're both guys shouldn't make it weird. That's how most people seem to see it though. We know that, so we try not to be obvious, especially anywhere we could run into someone we know. There aren't a whole lot of places we can act like a couple.

Let's see, what shirt should I wear? My closet is… more than a little messy. I admit I'm not exactly tidy. It doesn't help that I've got way too much crap stuffed in a closet that's way too small. Still, I'm better than Hirokazu. His whole room is a disaster area; my parents would never let me get away with that. Hey, this blue polo shirt should work.

I check the small mirror on the inside of my closet door. Looking good. You've got this handled, Takato. Don't be nervous. You look great. You're going to have a great time. Now hurry up because Jen's waiting. Maybe if you're early there'll be time for a little making out before dinner! Now that's what I call an appetizer.

Right, sorry, that was wrong. I can't help myself sometimes though. It's kind of embarrassing, even when it's only Jen and I. Especially when it's only Jen and I. I really like him; I have for a long time. I don't want to do anything stupid in front of him. But the truth is he's really fun to be with. I'm always looking forward to the next time I can kiss him, but somehow he's usually the one that ends up having to make the first move. I sort of like it that way, to tell the truth.

I can imagine the jokes Ruki would tell if she knew that. I am _not _the girl here! Crap. I can't even escape her jokes in my own head now. I must hang out with her too much. That or the jokes are getting more obvious. Wait, would that mean I'm more "obvious?" I didn't even want to think about that. I've gotten comfortable with the idea of being gay, but I didn't think that would somehow make me _act _gay. Have I been different lately?

Well, I've been a lot happier, that's for sure. Though I think that's mostly because I've been with Jen. I guess being happier means I've been more fun with my friends and I've been getting along better with my mom and dad. I don't even mind helping out in the bakery as much as I used to. Other than that I don't really think I've changed any, so it's probably all in my head.

Well good. As long as it stays in my head I should be safe. Not that I want to keep it hidden forever or anything, but for now I don't want anyone to know the truth. Jen knowing is more than enough for me. I do have to watch what I say a little more than I used to. Not only so I don't say anything that would tip off anyone, but since I started going out with Jen I've had to check myself. It's been hard. I remember after our first date I really, really wanted to talk to someone—anyone—about how it went. I wanted to talk about the details and share how happy I was, but I couldn't. I couldn't even let on to anyone that I was seeing someone. I had to pretend that I wasn't the happiest I've ever been.

It's okay though. I've got a lot of practice hiding how I feel.

Crap, look at the time. I finish getting ready as fast as I can, checking myself out in the mirror one last time. My hair still isn't great and that cut on my chin is pretty visible, but there isn't a whole lot I can do about that now, so I turn off the lights and head downstairs.

"Bye mom! Bye dad! Be back later!" I call out as I head for the side exit through the kitchen.

"Hang on a minute," mom calls back from the dining room. She appears a couple seconds later as I wait by the door. "What time will you be back?"

"Shouldn't be too late," I say. "Depends on when the movie gets out."

"I don't want you wandering the streets in the middle of the night," she says. "Check in with us, okay?"

"I will, mom." Please let that be all.

"And be sure to—"

"Got it," I say quickly.

"Relax, honey," dad says appearing behind mom. When he sees me he lets out a short whistle. "Looking good, kiddo. Special plans?"

Damn it, damn it, damn it! "P-plans? No! Just, y'know, hanging out with the guys." Please don't ask me anything else. Please! Don't make me beg!

Dad nods after an impossibly long pause, or maybe it seemed longer because I was holding my breath the whole time. "Alright, have fun. Try not to be back too late."

"You got it!" I say as I rush outside and close the door behind me.

Yeah. No problem. I've got this under control. I am the master of stealth.

* * *

><p>"It's open!" Jen shouts from the other side of the door.<p>

I test the knob and, sure enough, it's unlocked. I step inside Jen's apartment and take my shoes off by the door. He's nowhere to be seen and the whole place is quiet. I love coming here; I swear this apartment is bigger than our whole bakery. It's a lot roomier, too. Hardwood floors, huge windows, giant TV, and easily the most comfortable couch I've ever sat on. The very best thing of all about Jen's apartment though? It has Jen.

Speaking of whom, where is he? "Hello?" I call out.

"Be right there!" he calls back from the bathroom.

Heh heh. He must still be getting ready. I hope I didn't get here too early for him. Not that'd I'd mind all that much if he was only wearing a towel when he came out of the bathroom. No! Bad Takato! Ugh. Why is this on my mind so much lately? Not that I _never _think about it (I'm still a guy, after all) but this is more than usual.

You know what it is? It must be the fact that it's summer. The heat, the vacation from school, all the time I'm spending with Jen, and the fact that this is the first time all of those things have happened while I've had a boyfriend. It's a perfect storm. Well get a grip, Takato. You don't want to lose your cool now. You've got a date and you don't want to screw it up.

The bathroom door opens and Jen steps out. Thankfully he's fully dressed and he looks fantastic. He's wearing a pair of tan slacks with a belt and a dark gray, collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His hair is perfect. His skin immaculate. Why is he dating me again? "Sorry to keep you waiting," he says with a big smile.

"No problem," I say, feeling the goofy grin on my face. Damn it; don't act like such a goon! "Hope I'm not early."

He laughs. "No, no. You're right on time." I love that laugh. I love everything about him.

"So, how's your day?" I ask nonchalantly.

"Getting better," he says shyly.

Crap. I'm blushing. I can tell I'm blushing. He's way too good at making me do that. My voice cracks as I get out a quick, "That's good."

He walks over to me and before I can object he leans forward and gives me a quick kiss on the lips. Not that I _would _object, but that sure doesn't help me stop blushing. After he leans back and smiles at me I find my voice again. "W-what about your, uh, sister?"

"She's staying over at a friend's place tonight."

I feel my eyes go wide. "So, we have your place all to ourselves?"

His face turns pink and he looks away. "Oh, uh… Yeah, I guess. I mean, it worked out that way. Weird, huh?" He lets out a nervous laugh and keeps avoiding eye contact.

I swallow. "Y-yeah. Weird." Crap. We're alone in Jen's apartment. All alone. His sister is gone for the night and his parents won't be back for days. This can't be good.

"Not that we'll be here anyway!" Jen adds quickly. "We're going out for dinner and a movie, right?"

I nod to him. "Right!"

"It just means it's okay to kiss you right now," he says.

Yeah, that's all. I like hearing that from him; it relaxes me enough that I can give him another smile. "So it's okay if I do this then?" I crane my neck up slightly and kiss him gently on the cheek. He smells really good, like shampoo and soap and… is that cologne? Crap. So he _does _like cologne. I knew I should have worn some.

"Very okay," he says with a smile. He takes my hand in his without breaking eye contact. I give his hand a gentle squeeze. This feels way too good. His skin is so soft and I love seeing the way it makes him grin.

Damn. This is stupid. "We should probably go," I blurt out.

"Y-yeah," he says, letting go and blushing more.

Although… "Unless you wanted to order in instead," I add. Damn it. I cannot keep my mouth shut, can I?

"We could," he agrees.

We both go quiet. I look out the window; it's still bright and sunny outside. I can't believe I said that. Great, now he probably thinks I'm weird. Or horny. Or both. And you know what? He'd be right! Crap, not even five minutes into our date and I've ruined it. Use your brain for once, Takato! Maybe there's some way to make this less awkward. "On second thought, we should go out," I say.

We catch each others' eyes again. "Hm?" he asks, sounding a little surprised.

"It's… such a nice day!" I say. There we go, that should do it. "I'd hate to miss out on it, wouldn't you?"

He smiles and gives me an enthusiastic nod. "Uh-huh!"

"So what are we waiting for?" I ask.

"After you," he says with a slight bow.

I head for the door and he's right behind me. We put our shoes on quietly and it looks like things are back on track. Of course right when I'm about to open the door Jen wraps his arms around me from behind and kisses me on the cheek. I think it shows incredible restraint on my part that I don't take that opportunity to tackle him and start tearing off his shirt and running my hands through that perfect hair of his right there on the hardwood floor, or maybe on the comfy couch. Instead I smile and ask when the movie starts. We've got plenty of time for dinner.

By the time we're down on the sidewalk I've already managed to relax. Being alone with Jen up there was getting to me; this is much better. It's a long walk to get to the place we have in mind; it sort of has to be. We don't want to risk running into anyone we know. Not that it would be obvious that we were even on a date, I don't think, but I like having a chance to let my guard down. We both do. We can be a couple without looking over our shoulders every other minute or asking for the darkest, most secluded table in the restaurant.

We talk about the usual things: our days, families, the weather, friends. It's a good thing Jen is so good at coming up with conversation though because I keep getting distracted and looking over at him. Is that a new watch? It's nice. It looks a little heavy, hanging around his wrist like that. Just above his hand. Man, I really want to hold his hand. I know it's stupid. I know people would stare. I know it would screw things up if anyone we know saw. I know Jen might think I'm being sappy. All of that's why I won't do it. But I can dream. I don't want to sound girly but I like romantic stuff, at least when it's with Jen.

"Takato?" he asks.

I look up. "Huh?"

"Nothing," he says with a little laugh. "You seem distracted is all. Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah, I'm doing good! I'm, uh… I'm glad we're together."

His expression softens and he looks forward again. "So am I."

I turn my head forward, but my eyes linger a few more seconds. I can't help it; I want to stare at him for hours on end. He looks really good tonight. Even better than normal. I wish I had a pencil and a sketchpad. Or a camera. Or anything. I want to remember how he looks right now forever.

There's so much more, though. I could listen to him talk about nothing and never get bored. Or we could spend our time together without a word and I'd be grateful for every second. I could listen to his heartbeat, his breathing, and I'd love it more than any song I've ever heard in my life.

Any of that would be enough, but that's not why I love him. He means so much to me. He's been my best friend since we were only ten. He's been there for me any time I've needed him. He protected me from danger more times than I can count. He was there for me after I lost Guilmon. He's the one that gave me the courage to deal with my feelings and to face who I am. There's no way I can do as much for him as he's done for me. I want to do as much as I can though.

What was-? His hand… it brushed against mine. Did he mean to do that? Was it an accident? Either way, the feeling's still lingering there. It brings a smile to my face. Even the lightest touch and my heart beats faster. I wish I could hold his hand right now. I won't though. He's happier this way. He doesn't want anyone to know. I'm okay with that. Of course I'm not happy about it, but I'll survive. I'd be happy if we could hold hands without caring. I'll have to make up for it later. I'll give him the biggest hug I can. I know he likes it when I do that; it always makes him smile so much that he can't stop.

I take a deep breath and look up ahead. This is going to be a long night if I keep going around in circles in my own head. This date is going to be about Jen, not me. Okay, brain? Let's try focusing on Jen for a change. And while we're at it, let's hope his hand brushes up against mine a few more times on our walk to the restaurant.

* * *

><p>This restaurant isn't all that great. It's small, the pizza's a little greasy, the prices are a bit much and it's kind of shabby to be honest. But at the same time it's perfect for what we need. It's small enough that most people don't even know it's here. There's so few customers that we don't have to worry about anyone seeing us. It's far enough away that I doubt we'd ever run into anyone we know out here.<p>

This is our second date here and it's almost over. The pizza is mostly eaten, our sodas are empty and we've both paid. I guess on dates the guy is supposed to pay, but that doesn't really apply here. Jen has tried to pay before, but of course Ruki's voice was right there in the back of my head again with a joke ready to go, so I had to insist we split the check.

I'm glad we got a booth in the corner; we can sit next to one another and hold hands under the table without anyone knowing. It's a good thing you can eat pizza one-handed. I can't believe I let myself eat that; now I know my breath is going to be anything but fresh all night long. So much for making out during the movie.

"You full?" Jen asks.

I nod at him. "Yep. It was good, though."

"Yeah, this place is alright."

"Though the service was a little slow," I point out quietly.

"Not like we were in a rush or anything," Jen says with a little shrug.

"Yeah, that's true." I rub the back of his hand with my thumb and he gently squeezes my fingers.

"Having a good time?" he asks.

"Yeah," I say enthusiastically. "What about you?"

He gives me a big smile. "I am."

"Glad to hear it." I can't get enough of seeing him smile.

He looks around, then back at me and quietly asks, "So how many dates is this now?"

"I'm not sure," I have to admit. "I guess I lost count."

He lets out an almost relieved-sounding sigh. "Finally."

"Finally?" I ask. What, he didn't like how I kept track of how many times we'd been out?

He chuckles at me. "Not that it bothered me. Honest. I was just thinking it would be weird when we on our two hundred and twelfth official date."

"Two hundred and twelve, huh?" I ask. "Someone sure thinks highly of our chances."

"Well of course!" he says. "Don't tell me you think we won't make it that far."

"Well I, uh…" Crap. This is no time for insecurities, Takato! Tell him what he wants to hear! "Of course we'll make it that far. There's not a doubt in my mind."

His smile returns. "Glad to hear it. You had me worried there for a second."

"Well don't worry about it," I assure him. "After all it took for us to get together there's nothing in the world than can keep us apart."

He squeezes my hand again. "I'm really glad to hear you say that. To be honest I've worried."

"About what?" I ask.

"That we might not… you know…"

"…Work?"

He clears his throat. "I know I really want to be with you."

"And I really want to be with you too," I quickly point out.

He nods. "I'm glad. It's just that I don't know if our families…"

"I worry about that too," I admit. "I wish I knew how they'd take this."

"So do I." He looks down at the table.

So much for a good date. If we don't fix it soon it's going to get depressing. "I hope they don't try to keep us apart, Jen. But even if they do, I'll always choose to be with you no matter what."

That seems to lift his spirits a little, or at least enough that he looks at me again. "I'll always choose to be with you too."

I bow my head slightly. "Thank you." I needed to hear that, and I didn't realize how much until now. Jen wants to be with me. He doesn't care if I embarrass myself. He doesn't care about a bad date. Greasy pizza, a bad hair day, fresh breath, none of that is important. I don't have to impress him. I do want to make him happy though. I don't know how to do that, but whatever it takes I will make it happen.

"We've still got a little while before the movie, right?" he asks.

"Yeah. I guess we finished a little earlier than I expected," I tell him. "We can see if there's an earlier showing if you want."

"No, that's okay," he says. "I was thinking maybe we could do something until then."

"Like what?" I ask.

"I don't know," he says with a shrug. "Maybe visit an arcade or, uh, go for a walk in the park?"

That second suggestion sounds a lot better. "A walk would be great," I say with a smile.

"So should we go then?"

I nod excitedly. "Let's!"

We both get up, forcing me to let go of his hand for pretty much the first time since we sat down. I already miss it. Yes, Ruki, I can hear you loud and clear. I can't help myself though. My boyfriend is the best. I like holding my boyfriend's hand. I like it when my boyfriend says sweet things to me. And in case it wasn't already obvious I love being able to think the words "my boyfriend." It picks my mood up reminding myself that I, Takato Matsuda, have a boyfriend.

The sun is still up but it's definitely starting to sink a little lower in the sky. The street is getting a little less busy and there are fewer people walking along the sidewalk. The theater we go to is pretty close to Jen's place, so we're going to have a long walk back. Still, there should be plenty of time to enjoy the park. I like that park. It's got a bit of a reputation as a place for romantic liaisons. But so long as Jen and I aren't caught doing anything too incriminating our friends would think we're hanging out like usual. It's perfect for us.

About halfway there we're waiting at a crosswalk along with a few other people when I feel Jen's hand next to mine. The expression on his face doesn't change in the least but he carefully threads his left pinkie finger around my right one. It feels like my heart could stop and my breath catches in my throat. I turn my head to him a little faster than I intended, but don't say anything. I look at him and he looks back with a shy smile. That's all the reassurance I need. We're not holding hands, true, but it's like we almost are. I'm amazed he's being this bold. Not that I'm about to complain, even if I can feel my cheeks getting a little warm. No one else seems to notice.

We walk like that the whole rest of the way to the park. No one stares. No one whispers. I don't think anyone even notices. True, he isn't holding my hand, but it's still something, right? Yeah. It's more than something. It's everything. Even this is more than I could have dreamed of a year ago. Even before I knew why I knew I was so miserable. I felt so alone at times. I hated myself for how I felt about Jen. Even though it made me depressed thinking about it I never wanted to stop being around Jen. I was always happy to see him. It wasn't until I was alone again that I started feeling guilty.

I wished I understood why he made me feel the way I did. None of it made any sense. I knew I felt different about him than I did anyone else. I knew I felt different about guys than I did about girls. But I pushed it out of my mind. I never wanted to ask myself what it meant or why I felt that way. I was too afraid of the answers I would get. On some level I think I knew even then what the truth was. That's the reason I refused to ask myself why.

And then Jen came out to me. He had no idea how many nights I'd spent wishing I could understand what was wrong with me. Jen made that wish come true without ever knowing what it was. When he came out to me I finally considered the possibility that I simply wasn't into girls. That was when I started to have hope that something could actually happen between us. Slowly those fears I had started to disappear. The fear that he'd hate me for being this way. The fear that I'd be all alone. The fear that there was something wrong with me. Talking to him like we always had, knowing he was doing alright, my hope grew. Being gay didn't change who he was. It wasn't something to be afraid of. It wasn't wrong. And if I was the same way, then there wouldn't be anything wrong with that.

Of course it took me eight months to realize all that. It's not like I sat down one day and tried to figure it all out. For most of the time my mind was on other things. I tried not to think about it, but little by little it dawned on me. I'm sorry it took so long. If I knew it back when he first came out, we could be about to celebrate our one-year anniversary. We could have had so many more dates behind us. So many happy memories that we missed out on.

I'm happy knowing who I am. I'm happy being with Jen. I wouldn't give that up even if it meant I'd be normal like everyone else. I still worry, of course. I worry about the day that someone else finds out. I worry about what my family might think. I worry about people that might hate me for this. But after what Jen said in the restaurant, I won't worry about losing him.

"Something on your mind?" Jen asks suddenly.

"Just thinking," I say without looking his way. We're on one of the paths through the park now. Everything is tinted slightly orange by the sinking sun. I don't see anyone else around.

Jen notices it too and uncurls his pinkie finger from mine long enough to take my whole hand in his. "Want to sit?" he asks.

"Nah," I whisper. "Let's stand."

He nods and we stop there. It's quiet aside from a few birds nearby and the sound of traffic wafting over from the street. I look up at the sky: not a cloud in sight. I love days like this. "Takato?"

"Yeah, Jen?"

"I, uh…" He looks around again one more time to make sure we're really alone. "I love you."

I smile at him. Even though he's always the one who's willing to go for a kiss first, he still gets so nervous saying those three little words. "I love you too." To make my point I give him a quick kiss on the cheek.

Jen tries to hide it, but it's hard to miss that blush of his, framing a big, goofy grin. He doesn't say anything, but he does squeeze my hand. I squeeze back. I know it isn't much, but even this contact is more than I ever thought I'd have. I wish we could have more, and I wish we didn't have to hide. But for now, neither one of those is possible.

"You know…" Jen begins before quickly tapering off.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Nothing," he says. "Forget I said anything."

He's still blushing. Maybe even more than before. "Come on," I insist.

He sighs. "Well, I was thinking that… maybe…"

I wait for him to go on for a few seconds before I have to ask, "Maybe what?"

"Maybe we could watch a movie at my place instead," he suggests. He's looking well away from me, but by leaning a bit I can see his whole face is bright red. "I mean, since it's more comfortable," he adds. "Cheaper. Better food. Not to mention more, uh…"

"Romantic?" I ask quietly.

"Y-yeah. That." I hear him swallow. I don't think I've ever seen Jen this nervous. He shouldn't be. Sure, it'll be the two of us. Alone. In his apartment. But it's not like we've never watched a movie with only the two of us before. Of course we weren't dating at the time.

What am I thinking? Nothing's going to happen! It's a movie. That's all. At most we'll hold hands. Or kiss. Even going that far is being optimistic; although his family won't be around I'd be too nervous to do anything more than kiss him a little. It's stupid, I'm sure, but I'd be worried they could tell somehow. Plus I can't be out all night; mom and dad are expecting me back after the movie gets out. That's not enough time for anything to happen. I'm safe.

"Sounds like fun," I say after a few seconds. I sound more excited at the prospect than I probably should. It's only a movie, after all. Nothing more. Absolutely, positively nothing is going to happen.

No matter how much I might want it to.

"Great!" he says. "So should we, uh, go?"

"That's the plan," I say, smiling back.

He gives my hand one last squeeze before letting go. We turn toward his apartment and start walking. It's not the evening I had planned, but I think I like this one even better. There's something magical about—

Holy shit.

Okay, keep it together. Keep walking. Keep breathing. Don't let him see you sweat. Pretend it's not there. But how can I not? He's not even trying to hide it. This is not like when he brushed his hand against mine. Jen's hand is definitely right there on my butt and it is not going anywhere.

Jen's hand is on my butt. His hand's on my butt. Hand on my butt. What do I do? Holy shit. Holy _shit_. Keep walking. One foot in front of the other. This is really happening and it feels damn good. Jen's hand is on my butt and we're going to watch a movie in his empty apartment. This is stupid. This has to be stupid.

So what if it is stupid? I don't want to stop. I can't. Not now. Who knows when this chance might come again? It feels like I'll explode if I don't do something! So what do I do right now? I want Jen to know I'm good with this, right? Right. Well two can play at this game.

I feel Jen tense up beside me the very instant I place my hand on his hip. Neither of us stays like that for long, since soon enough we can see other people coming up the path. We separate, a little more than usual. My whole face feels like it's on fire, but a glance out of the corner of my eye tells me that he's every bit as bad.

I guess wishes do come true sometimes.


	2. To Hear Your Voice

To Be With You

Chapter 2: To Hear Your Voice

August, 2007

Li Residence, Shinjuku

My phone is ringing. I'm scrambling for it before I even open my eyes, but I don't get very far before I get tangled in the sheets. I pull myself over the edge of the bed and grope around for my shorts where the ringing is coming from. They're right there on the floor; the haze starts to lift from my vision as I fumble with the pockets and finally pull my phone free.

I hold it up to my ear. "Hello?"

"Good morning." Shit.

"H-hi, mom," I say quickly.

"How was the movie last night?" she asks.

"The movie? It was good. Really good. So good I wouldn't mind seeing it again." My legs are still tangled in the sheets but I manage to pull myself back up onto the bed and sit up.

"And Hirokazu didn't mind you sleeping over?" That's right, I remember now. I called home late to tell them I was spending the night at Hirokazu's. I should have said I was staying at Jen's; at least that would have been closer to the truth.

"No. It was no problem," I say. Think, Takato! "I, uh… know you didn't want me wandering the streets too late and it was getting late when the movie was over so…"

"Well thank you for letting us know," she says. "Sounds like I woke you."

I swallow. "Y-yeah, I slept in. Late night."

"Well try and get back as soon as you can, okay?" mom asks. "We could use your help around the bakery today."

"I will."

"And be sure to thank Hirokazu for letting you stay over."

"Sure thing."

"Oh, and if you could stop by the store on the way back I need you to—"

"I'll get it later," I say quickly. Hang up. Please hang up. I do not need this right now. I've got more important things to deal with.

I hear her sigh on the other end. "Alright, Takato. Be home soon, okay?"

"Will do." Sorry mom, but this isn't a good time. "Bye."

"See you soon."

I hang up the phone and let out a sigh of relief before finally turning my attention to Jen, who was kind enough to keep perfectly quiet even though I was crawling all over him throughout the conversation. "Not one word," I warn him.

He smirks and holds his hands up. "I wasn't going to say anything."

I toss my phone back over the side of the bed and lay down next to Jen, pulling the covers up over my face with a groan. This was not how I wanted to wake up this morning. Jen's bed is not big enough for both of us. I barely got any sleep and my whole body is stiff.

"Hey," Jen whispers, wrapping his arms around me again.

"What?"

"Good morning."

I poke my head out from under the covers. "Morning."

He plants a kiss on my forehead and rubs my back. I wish I could say it makes me feel better, but to be honest it makes me a little woozy. After last night I don't even know that I can look Jen in the eye ever again. That was… not at all what I was expecting. And now with the morning light pouring in through the open blinds there's only one thing I can think of.

"Maybe you should open the window," I suggest. So much for me being the romantic one.

Jen chuckles at me. "That might be a good idea. It's a little, uh…"

"Yeah, I know." There's a certain funk in the air.

"What time is it?" he asks as he starts to stretch, which is not easy in such a small bed.

I glance over his shoulder to check his alarm clock. "A little after nine," I say.

Jen lets out a big yawn and rubs his eyes before sitting up in bed. "You should take the bathroom first," he says as he stands up. I avert my eyes right away; I've got enough on my mind right now without getting an eyeful of him naked first thing in the morning. "Since you need to be getting home and all," he adds while walking over to open the window.

"What about you?" I ask, still trying not to look his way.

"I'll do some laundry," he says. "You know. Bed sheets and all that."

I didn't even want to think about that. Suddenly I think I could really use a bath. "That sounds good," I manage to say.

I glance over in Jen's direction; thankfully he's putting on a pair of blue pajama pants and a grey t-shirt. Guess I should get dressed too. Where did I leave everything?

"Hey, Takato?" he asks.

I grab my shorts off the floor. "Yeah?"

"I, uh…" He clears his throat while I keep looking around.

There's my shirt. "What's up?"

He speaks again, quieter than usual. "I had fun last night."

Great, now I'm blushing. I keep looking around while avoiding eye contact. "Yeah, me too."

He walks back over toward me and starts gathering up his bedding. "Could you move, Takato?"

"Hang on a minute," I say. "I can't find my underwear."

"Well what do they look like?" he asks. What, is he kidding?

"Like underwear, Jen. They look exactly like a pair of underwear. If you see a pair of underwear and they aren't yours, those are them… I hope." I give him a wry smile to let him know I'm joking.

"Well look around," he says as he scans the floor. "Where did you last see them?"

"I don't remember! I was kind of… busy at the time." As if he wasn't already well aware of that.

He bends down and looks under the bed, then pokes through the pile of his clothes from last night to see if they got mixed in together. I check on top of the bed, under the pillow, between the bed and the wall, but no luck. Great. Just great. How do I always manage to wind up with the weirdest problems? Granted, this one isn't quite as bad as having my talking dinosaur follow me to school or fighting a hyper-evolved computer program that wants to delete all life on Earth, but how many guys manage to lose their underwear in their boyfriend's bedroom?

"We'll find them later," he says in a huff. "For now you can borrow a pair of mine if you want. Or go wash up and we'll find them when you're done."

"Fine, fine, whatever." I hang my head a bit and stand up off the bed so he can finish collecting his sheets. I make sure to pull my shorts on quickly, not that he hasn't already seen pretty much everything there is to see.

Like I was saying, this is not at all how I pictured this. Never once in any of my daydreams did I imagine somehow managing to lose my underwear. I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet at this moment. Last night was embarrassing enough without this latest humiliation on top of that. Oh, and running a hand through my hair lets me know it's sticking up all over the place, too. Wonderful.

"Oh, and I'll make breakfast, for when you're done," Jen says as he finishes balling up his sheets.

"Thanks," I say with a slight smile. "Sounds good."

Jen smiles back then opens his door and heads out into the hallway. I'm about to follow when suddenly he yanks the door shut behind him. What is—?

"Hey Lianjie!" I hear him shout from right outside the door. What?

"Oh, morning Jian." Shit! That's Jen's older brother! What is he doing here?

"What are you doing here?" Jen asks. I can hear a little panic in his voice.

I quickly finish putting my shirt on and hold my ear up to the door. "Laundry," he answers.

"Can't you use the laundry room in your own building for once?" Jen asks. "You're not the only one that needs to use our machine you know."

"Sorry," Rinchei apologizes. "I figured with mom and dad gone, now was probably a good time."

"Yeah, well, you still should have called first," Jen says.

"Oh c'mon, we're all a big happy family, right? I figured we could have breakfast together."

"I'm not really hungry," Jen says curtly.

"Are you okay, bro?" Rinchei asks. "You look a little worn out."

"I'm fine."

"Alright. Hey, where's Xiaochun? Didn't she stay home too?"

"She had a sleep-over at a friend's place," Jen explains.

"So you were alone all night then?" Rinchei asks. Why is Jen's brother so damn curious? Be more aloof, damn it!

"Yep. No one else. Just me." Hopefully Jen is holding up better than I am, because I'm shaking like a leaf right now.

"What's that smell?"

"Nothing! Go… see what we have for breakfast or something!"

There's a long pause. Please walk away, Rinchei. Anything. I beg you; don't ask any more— "Heh heh. Have a fun night?" Damn it!

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Come on, Jen! You can come up with better than that!

Suddenly I hear feet shuffling outside the door. I lean my weight against it to make sure it doesn't accidentally open. "Some reason you're blocking the hallway?" Rinchei asks, his voice thick with an air of mischief.

"You're imagining things!" Jen sounds like he's losing his grip. Jen, I swear if you let Rinchei in here I will… I will… I don't even know! But it'll be bad!

"Hey, relax bro. I'm surprised is all. Never knew you had it in you to sneak a girl home."

"Lianjie, I did _not _sneak a girl home." This is no time for honesty, Jen. "You are imagining things."

"So is she cute?" I wonder if I could open Jen's window enough to sneak out. Of course a fall from this height would kill me. Still, it's an option worth considering.

"There's no girl, Rinchei."

"Don't tell me she's still here." I can almost see Rinchei's grin through the drywall. Damn it. Is there anywhere I can hide if he does somehow get in here? Under the bed, maybe, but without any sheets I'd be seen in a second. In the closet? That would be even worse: Rinchei finding out his brother's gay by literally pulling his boyfriend out of the closet. Oh man, I hope Rinchei isn't one of those really overprotective big brothers. I don't want to imagine what he'd do to me if he even had the slightest idea about what really happened last night. Suddenly the window option looks even better.

"You are delusional," Jen says firmly. "Now since you're using the washing machine I'll put this stuff back in my room. Go look for breakfast or something."

"Whatever," Rinchei says. "I'll get to it after I hit the bathroom."

"Thanks for sharing," Jen says as I feel him press against the door.

I back up and a few seconds later Jen comes in and drops his bed sheets, completely panic-stricken. Before he can shut the door we both hear the bathroom door close. We look at each other and nod without a moment's hesitation.

"Go fast," he says. "I'll keep an eye out."

Jen leads the way. We move quickly and silently down the hall and toward the living room. I hope that Rinchei takes extra long to wash his—Oh crap! The bathroom door is opening! What do I do? Jen grabs me by the arm without warning, opens the nearest door and shoves me in, closing it as quietly as he can. I look around, and it seems I'm in Shiuchon's room.

"Hey, Jian—" I hear Rinchei call out.

"That was fast!" Jen interrupts him.

"Touchy, touchy," Rinchei says in a nonchalant tone. "I was going to say you shouldn't leave your boxers in the bathroom like that. You know mom would flip out." Boxers in the…? Shit.

"Huh? Those aren't—err, I mean, sorry about that! I was going to clean that up today." Jen's fumbling. I would be too. Son of a bitch. I remember where I left my underwear now.

"I thought you only wore boxer-briefs though," Rinchei points out.

"Nope, I wear boxers too!" Jen says assertively. "Especially when they're… Terriermon? Of course! That's why…" Yes! The universe likes me! Perfect explanation.

"I figured," Rinchei says. "Where'd you get these? I didn't even know they made digimon boxers."

"Uh… saw them while I was out shopping."

"Are they new? I haven't seen them in your drawer before."

There's a pause. "Lianjie, why have you been looking through my underwear drawer?" That's a very good question.

"Eh. I have to borrow a pair now and then."

"What?" Jen shouts. "Why the hell are you borrowing my underwear?"

"Because I come over here to do laundry," Rinchei says as though it's the most obvious thing in the world. "I've got to wear something while all my clothes are in the wash."

I can honestly say I'm stunned. Judging from the silence I can tell Jen is too. I have never been happier to be an only child. Finally, after a suspenseful silence, Jen pipes up again with an angry accusation. "It was you!"

"Huh?"

"I thought I was losing my freaking mind, but it was you all along! I kept saying 'I think someone's been taking my underwear' and everyone looked at me like I was insane, but it's been you all along! What the hell is the matter with you?"

"Sorry if I forgot to mention it. I didn't know you were such a prude, little bro."

"Prude?" Jen shouts. "This is basic hygiene!"

"I'll make it up to you," Rinchei says. "How about I make us breakfast? If you'll take these…"

"Give them here," Jen says in a huff. "And I want to watch and make sure you wash your hands first before you touch _anything_. So let's both go into the kitchen now and stay there for at least the next few minutes. Okay?" I'm pretty sure that last part was mostly for my benefit.

Sounds like this is my chance. Jen will be keeping Rinchei busy so it should be smooth sailing. I wait a few seconds until it sounds like they're gone, and then silently open the door. The coast is clear. If I'm quick and quiet I should be able to make it to the front door without getting caught. You can do this Takato. You are the master of stealth.

I stick close to the wall, sliding my socked feet along the hardwood and praying that there aren't any squeaky floorboards. Jen is doing his best to keep Rinchei talking so I know exactly where he is. Finally I turn the last corner and there is the small, darkened entryway with my shoes sitting beside a few other pairs. Thankfully Rinchei didn't notice those. Now if I can—Shit! The door's opening!

I freeze like a deer in headlights. There's nowhere to hide. In steps Jen's older sister, Jaarin. She and I stare at one another for a second. "Hi there, Takato," she says with a smile. "What are you doing here?"

"N-nothing!" I blurt out as quietly as I can. Crap. There has _got _to be a way out of here. I'm so close I can taste it. "I was just leaving!"

"At least comb your hair before you go," she says. "You're a mess."

"I'll do that," I say with a quick bow. "Excuse me."

"Jialing? Is that you?" Damn it! That's Rinchei shouting from the kitchen! He's coming this way!

"Gotta go!" I grab my shoes and try to push past Jaarin but she's blocking the only way out.

That's when I hear Rinchei speak up from behind me. "Takato?"

This is bad. This is SO bad. Okay, I can do this. I can weasel my way out of this somehow. I just need to think of what to say. I can't though. What do I say? What could possibly come out of my mouth that would fix this? I'm frozen. Jaarin and I are looking at Rinchei. Rinchei looks at me. Jen, standing a few paces behind Rinchei, looks like he's about to have a heart attack; his knuckles are white as he balls my underwear up in his hand.

"H-hi there," I squeak out.

Rinchei doesn't say anything. I can see the wheels turning in his head. He looks at me. Then at Jaarin. Then back to Jen, to my underwear, and down the hallway where I left Jen's door open. Shit, shit, SHIT! Do something, Jen! Stop him! I don't care what but you can't let him realize this!

Rinchei's jaw drops wide open. "…No way…" he gasps.

Nooo!

"Lianjie?" Jaarin asks.

My eyes are bugging out. Whatever tension I felt before is _nothing _compared to this. Jen is actually shaking now.

Rinchei's shock suddenly turns into a huge grin. He laughs, then shouts "No way!"

"Gotta go!" I repeat, louder than before.

"Oh no you don't!" Rinchei says, pointing right at me.

"What is going on here?" Jaarin asks, still blocking the only way out.

"N-nothing!" Jen pipes up loudly.

"Are you shitting me?" Rinchei asks, that grin of his only getting wider. "This is… this is HUGE!"

"It's not what you think!" Jen shouts in a panic.

"Don't even pretend it's not!" Rinchei says back, almost ecstatic. "Jian this is… Holy shit!"

"Lianjie are you okay?" Jaarin asks. Maybe there's some way I could get past her. If I'm quick enough there's no way she could stop me.

Rinchei covers his face with both hands and laughs uncontrollably. Jen looks absolutely mortified; I'm sure that's about how I look right now too. This could not possibly get worse.

Jen springs to life, grabbing Rinchei by the arm and saying, "Let's talk about this somewhere else! Takato has to get going, right Takato?"

"Y-yeah!" I chime in. "I've got to get home!"

Rinchei is starting to calm down a little. He's shaking his head and still giggling though. "Oh come on, Jian," he says giddily. "At least let him stay for breakfast!"

Jen desperately tries to pull Rinchei toward the kitchen. "Let's talk in private!"

"So how was it, little bro?" Rinchei asks with a big laugh as Jen slowly drags him away.

Jen glances my way and nods. He wants me to go and I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. "'Scuse me," I say hastily as I grab my shoes and slide past Jaarin. If she says anything back I don't hear it because I'm already heading for the stairs. Sorry to leave you like that, Jen, but I don't see any way that having me there would make all of this any less awkward.

Oh shit. It just now hit me. Rinchei knows about Jen. And me! He knows about us! Not good. Any second now Jaarin will know too. And then who else? Shiuchon? Jen's parents? What if… Damn it! What if Jen's parents tell mine? I feel sick.

I need to sit down for a minute. I take a seat on the top step and hang my head. I can't believe this is happening. This has to be a dream or something. This can't be real. I want to throw up. What did I get myself into? Why did I think it would be a good idea to spend the night? I am such an idiot.

I know what I was thinking. I should have known something like this would happen though. How stupid could I be? Jen was there too of course but I… I should have been the strong one. I could never blame Jen. He was so great and everything. He wanted last night to be special, and what did he get out of it? A few hours of awkward fumbling in the dark and now his brother knows he's gay. I'm sorry, Jen. I'm really sorry. I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see me again after today. I screwed up and you're the one that got hurt by it. If my parents do find out about this I'll have no one to blame but myself. I don't want to go home to that.

I swear I'll do _anything _if only mom and dad never hear a word about this. I'll work the register every day for the rest of my life and never once complain. I'll do my homework the second I get home after school. I'll never ask for a single birthday or Christmas present again. I'll… I'll… I'll do anything! If they want my college money it's theirs! Just please, please, PLEASE never, ever let them learn about any of this. I wonder if I could somehow pay Rinchei off to make sure he never says anything. He's a reasonable guy, right?

No doubt about it. This officially sucks. I can't believe how fast all this is happening. Of all days, why did Rinchei have to do his laundry today? What was Jaarin even doing there? If only they hadn't shown up right then. If only we'd woken up earlier. If only I hadn't spent the night. If only Jen's parents weren't out of town. If only his sister wasn't having a sleepover last night.

Damn it, damn it, damn it! I've got to get home, don't I? When I get there I don't care what they say, the first thing I'm doing is taking a bath. I'm a complete mess mentally and physically and I need a little time to clear my head. Is there some way I can sneak in without them seeing me? Maybe they'll both be busy with customers and if I'm fast enough…

I am screwed, aren't I?

* * *

><p>I admit, I took longer getting here than usual. I guess you could say I took the scenic route. I wasn't really in any hurry, but now home's right there. I've been waiting outside for the last ten minutes, playing with my keys and pacing back and forth in the side alley.<p>

I don't want to go in, but I can't stay out here. What if they already know? What if they don't? What if they suspect? What if they're mad about this? What if they're mad about something else? I stayed out all night; will they be mad about that? I did text them to say where I'd be, after all. Then again, I lied about where I'd be. Shit! What if they called Hirokazu's house and figured out I wasn't there? I should have said I was staying at Jen's. Then again, what if that would make them suspicious?

I do not want my mom and dad to know about this. Even if everything was fine this is the _last _thing I'd want them to know about. I can't talk to my parents about sex! That's wrong on _so_ many levels. When dad gave me "the talk" I remember wondering if there was anything in arm's reach that I could hurt myself with so that I'd have to go to the emergency room and we could talk about anything else in the world. Compared to this, that was nothing. This would be, like, a billion times worse.

Suddenly the back door swings open and my heart leaps into my throat. Dad steps out, carrying a full garbage bag. He stops when he looks up and sees me. "Oh there you are," he says with a smile. "About time you got back. We were starting to worry."

"Y-yeah, sorry," I say. "I got… lost." Lost? _Lost_? That's the best I could come up with? I got LOST? On the way home from a place I've been going for years? Lost. Smooth move, Takato. Master of stealth my ass.

"Are you okay?" dad asks, looking me up and down.

"L-long n-night," I stammer. "Mind if I grab a bath real quick?"

He gives me a slight nod. "Alright, but don't take too long."

"Thanks dad," I say as quickly and quietly as I can.

I make my way inside and upstairs, only pausing a moment to nod to my mom when she greets me. Okay, no worries. He didn't say anything. Lay low and this will all blow over in no time. A bath should help me do that. Besides, they've got to be so busy with the store that they probably hardly noticed I wasn't here. Yeah right.

After a few minutes I can lay back and soak in the hot water. I can't help noticing that Jen left a hickey on my shoulder; I need to make sure nobody sees that. Last night was… Well, it wasn't a mistake, was it? I wanted it. And I'm pretty sure Jen wanted it. It just… wasn't what I was expecting. At all. The internet lied to me, damn it! It was supposed to be beautiful and romantic and feel great! No, no, and no. Not that it felt _bad_, but like I said it wasn't what I was expecting.

Damn it. I wish I knew what Jen was going through right now. He's probably still dealing with Rinchei. From what I saw it didn't look like he was mad, so that's something. Right? I don't really know what it's like though. I don't have any brothers or sisters. Good thing, too; I do _not _want to deal with what Jen's going through right now.

Then again Jen's kind of lucky. He's got a big family. If his parents found out they'd be disappointed I'm sure, but Jen's only one out of four. My parents are betting it all on me though. I'm it. I'm their only shot. I've got to be the successful one. I've got to take over the bakery for them one day. I've got to marry a beautiful woman and give them some grandkids. They don't really talk about it, but I can tell that's what they expect. Why wouldn't they? I'm sorry, mom and dad.

Mom and dad always tried to do so much for me. I've got everything I could ask for, really. I remember for my ninth birthday they went all out, even though money was really tight back then. The bakery wasn't doing all that great and I could tell they were really worried. I said I didn't want anything, but they wouldn't listen. They closed the bakery all afternoon to throw me a party. All my friends from school were there. Heh heh, I remember Hirokazu ate so much cake and drank so much punch he made himself sick! Mom and dad got me so many presents that year. A lot of it was Digimon stuff, I think. It was too much, but it made me really happy all the same. Things felt better for the afternoon. For a little while mom and dad weren't worried about money, and that's what really made me happy.

They've always done stuff like that for me. Even when I told them not to worry about it they bought me a computer for my room. Even when I said I was fine using regular old pencils and paper they went out and got me some real art supplies. They do it because I'm their only son. They're betting it all on me. But I… I'm so sorry. I can't be the perfect son you always wanted. I can't make you proud. I can't marry a girl and give you grandkids. I'm gay. That stuff isn't in my future.

When I was about thirteen I knew I didn't like girls. I mean, I'd never _liked _girls that way, but that's how all boys are when they're growing up. "Ew, girls have cooties" and stuff like that. But little by little the other guys started to change. They'd spend their time looking at girls, they'd talk about nothing but girls, and if they ever spoke to girls they'd get completely tongue-tied. I didn't get it. I didn't see the appeal. I mean, I knew that boys were supposed to like girls, and I accepted it as inevitable. It never happened for me though. When I was thirteen I realized I was the only guy I knew who didn't seem to be obsessed with girls. Well, that might be an exaggeration; Jen didn't talk about girls that much and it should be pretty obvious why. At the time I assumed it was because he was his usual quiet self. I told myself I simply wasn't there yet. Just because I didn't like girls the way all the other guys seemed to didn't make me weird. It sure didn't mean I liked guys or anything. At least that was the excuse I kept giving myself, despite all evidence to the contrary. I thought all I needed was more time. Eventually I'd start liking girls.

Well it hasn't happened yet, that's for sure. What did happen was that I finally managed to admit that I like guys. I like—no, I _love _Jen. I never thought I'd be so happy thinking that. There are times where it still bothers me, like when I think about how disappointed my parents will be. But I think I'm getting used to it. In a lot of ways it was a big relief. If anything I think I'm taking it better than Jen is. Back before I came out to him he'd talk about how he wished he could change, how worried he was of anyone finding out, how alone he felt. Since we started going out I think he's feeling better about it, but I still don't think he's all that happy to be this way. I try not to remind him of all that, but it's hard to avoid, especially with what he's going through right now. How is he going to be able to explain this to his brother? Even I barely understand it sometimes.

I should have stayed. If I was Jen I'd be so scared. If things were the other way around I'd want him there with me. I wouldn't want to feel like I was going through it alone. I was scared though. I didn't want to deal with it. If Jen had been able to I'm sure he'd have preferred to run from it too. Jen is the bravest guy I know. Everything I saw him do when we were in the digital world proved that, like when he tried to breathe underwater, or when he went to fight Zhuqiaomon. Jen doesn't run away, and he doesn't get scared. But this is different. This is family. This is something you can't fight, something you can't control. It's inside you, it is you, and there's nothing you can do about it. You can only hope that people don't hate you for being who you are.

I'm sorry, Jen. I should be there for you. I've always had your back before; this time shouldn't be the exception. I hope your brother and sister don't freak out. I hope they don't tell your mom and dad. I wish I could help you, but I don't know how.

After I get out of the bath and get dressed I sit at my desk in my room for a bit. I know mom wanted me home so I could help out in the bakery but all I can think of right now is Jen. I think about last night, or about his brother finding out, or about how this could change things. And things will change. They have to.

There's a knock at my door. "Takato?" It's dad.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"Can I come in?"

Great, that's all I need. "Sure," I say.

Dad steps inside and closes the door behind him. He still has his apron and hair net on. He probably wants me downstairs to lend a hand. Maybe I should; it would take my mind off all of this at least. I could use a few hours where everything is normal.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" he asks.

"Sure," I say. "What's up?"

"I, uh…" He looks out the window and scratches at the back of his head. "Look, here's the thing. You're getting older and everything and, uh, your mom and I are both really proud of how you're doing in school. You know that, right?" Uh-oh. This can't be good.

"Y-yeah, I know."

"So, uh, I was wondering—that is, your mom brought it up and we were both thinking about, uh…" Not good at all. Please, please, _please _tell me this isn't going where I think it's going. "Well, have you given much thought to… dating?"

Oh crap, oh crap, oh _crap_! They know? Damn it. How'd they figure it out? I thought I was careful. I really tried to be. "Uhhh…"

"Not to pressure you or anything," dad says quickly. "We're only saying that, when the right girl comes along, it would be okay to tell us, son."

The right _girl_? Yes! The right girl! They don't know! Well, they might know a little bit. They don't know the bad part though. Okay, I can deal with this. "S-sure thing," I say. "You got it. No problem."

"Good," dad says matter-of-factly. "And, well, when it does happen we want to make sure that, uh… that you… you're safe and everything. You can always come to us for advice. You know that, right?"

I nod. "Uh-huh."

"And we think…" Dad swallows hard. "That is, there are a few things we should probably talk about. I mean, you are getting to that age and all, and maybe we should have talked about it sooner, but…" He looks at me for a second, then looks away again. "Well, anyway, there are some things that a boy your age needs to know about girls…"

Dad starts talking about… Oh man. Oh please don't do this dad. This is like "the talk" all over again, but this time it's the unrated version. I do not need to hear this! La la la, I can't hear you! Go away! Please go away! Stop talking, I beg you! Oh this is bad. This is BAD-bad. I don't want this information! I try to block out the words but some of it's still getting through. Kill me now and save us both the embarrassment!

Dad keeps right on talking. "Now when your mother and I started dating, I didn't know that—" Nooo!

"Stop!" I say as I try desperately to keep my eyes from flying out of my skull, no doubt attempting the escape that the rest of my body desperately craves. "R-really! It's okay! You don't have to do this. I, uh, know plenty about… all that stuff." I already know a lot more than I want or need to. This isn't helping! Guys are bad enough. I do not want to know how girls work!

"I know it's a little embarrassing, son," dad says. "Believe me. I know. But it's… You have to learn it from someone and better me than figuring it out on your own. When I was your age there was a lot of bad information going around and I want to make sure you know what's what. Now, uh…" He reaches into his pocket and pulls something out. "You should try to keep these handy just in case. I'm not trying to encourage you or anything, but if it does happen, please..." He can't even finish that sentence. He drops a box of… things on my desk. It's official: I have to burn that desk and maybe everything in this room. I can't believe my dad actually did that! I can't even buy those things from a drug store clerk I'll never see again in my life. And now my dad hands me a box of them? Why does he hate me? What did I ever do to him? Is this divine retribution for last night? Or is it part of my whole punishment for being gay?

"Now you've got to remember that those things don't always work," dad says. I'm not listening; I can't look away from the box sitting there on my desk. I know I don't have any right to complain about this, especially after last night, but it still weirds me out. I think I might have rushed into something I wasn't quite ready for.

Dad keeps on talking while I pray that I will burst into flames. It doesn't work. He keeps stumbling over what to say for about ten minutes. I know I'm not making it any easier on him to get through this, but I don't want to talk about it. The worst part is that as things go along I do have questions. There are things I need to know. But if I asked about any of them my secret would be out. And honestly, I really doubt my dad could answer any of my questions even if I did ask them. At least I hope he couldn't.

Finally my phone rings, easily the sweetest sound I've heard in a long time. Whoever is calling me is officially my new favorite person in the world. Sorry Jen, but I'll make it up to you later. "I should take this!" I say as I hold my phone up.

"Okay then," dad says, sounding a little defeated. "You go ahead. I think that covered what I wanted to say anyway."

I nod at him as he leaves, shutting the door behind him. "Hello?" I ask into the phone.

"Hi, Takato." It's Jen! Sweet, wonderful Jen! He saved me! I have the best boyfriend in the entire world.

"Hey Jen!" I say a bit more cheerfully than I probably should, all things considered. Oh well; it's good to hear from him. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, things are… okay. Thanks for asking."

"So Rinchei…?" I hate to ask, but I have to.

"Well, we talked for a while." Jen sounds embarrassed even talking about it, but it sounds like at least it wasn't a disaster like I was worried it might be. "He joked about it a lot, but that's the way he is. Worse were the, uh, questions. Not that he wanted 'details' or anything. Stuff like… I don't know. Just questions. It really sucked."

"How about Jaarin?" I ask.

"She knows too," he says. "She was better than my brother at least. She even stood up for me a bit, though if anything her questions were way worse. She wanted to know all about us. My brother wasn't too thrilled about that part. Between her stopping his jokes and him covering his ears and shouting when she wanted details, I actually managed to survive."

"That's a huge relief," I say with a smile. "So they don't mind?"

"Doesn't seem like it," Jen says. "If anything they're being really supportive. It's sort of weird. They even promised not to tell anyone else. Well, actually, my brother promised to keep it a secret only if _you _promise not to leave your underwear around here anymore." Jen laughs at that, but I don't find it nearly as funny.

"I'll have to pick those up later, I guess."

"How about you?" Jen asks. "Any trouble?"

I groan. "You won't believe it."

"Try me," Jen says.

"Let's say you saved me from a really awkward talk with my dad," I say. "I think it was called 'The Birds and the Bees part 2: The Revenge'."

"Better than the bees and the bees," Jen points out. "What brought that on?"

"I think they know I'm seeing someone. They don't know who though."

Jen laughs. "I guess we're not as good at keeping it secret as I thought."

"No kidding," I say. "And judging from what my dad was saying…" I take another look at the box on my desk. "I get the impression they think I'm doing it."

"Well…"

"I know," I say.

"About that…" Jen trails off without saying anything more. Crap. As if I haven't had enough uncomfortable conversations today.

I clear my throat. "Uh-huh."

"That was…" Jen seems to be searching for the words. I can't blame him; I haven't been able to find the words yet either. "…Nice?"

"Y-yeah." I can tell how nervous I must sound. It makes me really glad I'm not having this talk with him in-person. "Nice."

"Did you… like it?" he asks.

"Did you?" I shoot back.

The phone is quiet for a second. "I, uh, I'm glad it was with you."

As awkward as it was… "I'm glad it was with you too," I say. I think I'm getting used to embarrassing myself in front of Jen. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Neither of us speaks for a few seconds. Great. I knew he didn't have any fun. I was so awkward and everything. How does he put up with me? I keep wrecking stuff. He's probably not going to want to do that again anyway, at least not with me. I can't blame him; I had no clue what I was doing. Maybe I should come clean.

I open my mouth. "It was…" Come on, Takato. Tell him the truth. "It was weird."

"I know," Jen says sullenly. "I'm really sorry, okay? It was all my fault."

"No it wasn't," I tell him. "It was all me."

"Don't, Takato," he says. "Look, I'll make it up to you, okay? I promise I won't ever try that again. Can you forgive me?"

"Jen, you were great," I say. "I'm the one who was clueless the whole time. I mean, I thought I knew how stuff was supposed to go, but that was—"

"Not at all what you expected?" Jen asks. "Me neither. Especially that one part where you—"

"I remember!" I say quickly to cut him off. I know _exactly _which part he means. "Let's, uh, never speak of that part again, okay?"

"Agreed," Jen says with a relieved sigh. "Or that other part when I, uh…"

"Definitely," I say. "That was… I don't even know what that was."

"On the other hand, at the start where you were…"

I blush. "Yeah," I say, unable to control my smile. "That was nice."

"You are _good _at that," Jen says. "Really good."

"Thanks," I say with a laugh. "You had a few moments too."

"Glad it wasn't a total waste then."

"It was still pretty weird though," I add.

"Absolutely," Jen says. "We probably shouldn't try that again for a while."

"Not for a long, long time," I agree. "But…"

"But what?" Jen asks.

I clear my throat. "But… for the record, you want to do it again eventually?"

Jen takes a second before finally squeaking out a shy, "I do."

As weird as that whole thing was, I can't help but smile. "Me too." There might be some hope for us after all.


	3. To Make You Smile

To Be With You

Chapter 3: To Make You Smile

August, 2007

Matsuda Bakery, Shinjuku

There's a knock at the side door of the bakery, making all three of us look up from dinner.

"Who could that be at this time of night?" mom asks.

"I'll get it," I say, standing up quickly. Whoever it is, thank you. It's been three days since dad gave me that, uh, "talk" and I still can't look him in the eye. Any excuse to get away is good enough for me.

Still, mom asked a good question. Who would be coming by now? Especially without calling first. Might be Hirokazu; he's done that sort of thing before. Well I'm about to find out. I open the door at the far end of the bakery kitchen and standing on the other side is… Uh-oh.

"Jen?" I ask.

He doesn't look like himself; he's all stiff and looking down at his feet. "Can I come in?" he asks quietly.

"Yeah," I say, standing back to let him in. "What's wrong?"

He doesn't say anything, just shambles in. Damn it. Something bad must have happened. It's like he barely even knows I'm here when I shut the door behind him.

"Who is it?" dad calls from the dining room.

"It's Jen!" I answer, not looking away from him. "What is it?" I ask him quietly.

He doesn't even look at me. "Sorry," he mutters. "I don't want to intrude. I… had to get away for a little while."

"Don't worry about it," I say while keeping one eye on the open archway leading to the rest of the bakery. "Tell me what happened."

"My parents…" he says before going silent again. Damn it. I don't think I've ever seen Jen like this. He looks broken somehow, sort of like he wants to cry but can't. What's this about his mom and dad? They were supposed to get back from Hong Kong today; Jen told me so when we were talking on the phone last night. What could have happened to make him so…?

Shit.

I lower my voice to a whisper. "Do they know?" Jen gives a single nod. "Damn it." I can tell how it probably went from him being here, acting like this. This is exactly what I've been so afraid of all this time. I'm sorry, Jen. I am so, so sorry. What do I do? "Go up to my room," I say, trying to stay calm. "I'll be right up and we can talk about this, okay?" He nods again.

I make my way back to the dinner table as I hear Jen slowly making his way up the creaking stairs. My heart is pounding. This is bad. This is really bad. Just… just try and stay calm. Deep breaths. They don't know anything is up. Hold it together, Takato.

"What does Jenrya want?" dad asks as I peer around the corner.

"N-nothing," I squeak out, my voice cracking. Real smooth. "He, uh, needs to… ask me about something." I swallow. They're both looking at me. Crap. This is hard. "For school, I mean. Y'know, when it starts again. So, uh… I'm going to go, um, talk to him. Upstairs. In my room." They keep on staring at me. It doesn't seem like they suspect anything at least. That's a good sign, right? "So I'm… going to go do that."

"Is something wrong?" mom asks.

"No!" I say quickly. "Nothing at all. Everything's fine. How are you?"

Okay, now they're both giving me weird looks. "Should we put your dinner in the fridge?" dad asks.

"Yeah. Sure," I say.

I don't move for a few seconds. I'm waiting for another question, holding my breath, but it never comes. They don't say anything. Or do much of anything. They go back to eating. That is a huge relief. Looks like I'm in the clear.

Oh. Yeah. I forgot. Now I have to go talk to Jen about this.

Maybe mom and dad want to know more about—screw it. Go on, Takato. Your boyfriend needs you. He really needs you. Now would be a really good time to be there for him. Put one foot in front of the other. There you go. Good start. Now let's get that other foot moving. One step at a time. Up the stairs we go. Nothing to it. Focus on what you're doing right now. Focus on walking. Whatever you do, don't even think about how freaked out Jen must be at this very second. Don't think about how his whole world must be falling apart. Don't think about how his mom and dad know about him and, in all likelihood, know about you too. Don't think about how, if they reacted this badly, they're probably going to tell your mom and dad. Don't think about how your mom and dad could react exactly the same way.

Damn it, Takato! I told you not to think about that!

I've made it to the top of the steps at least. My door is still open and the light's on inside. It's quiet, except for the sounds of mom and dad talking downstairs. Deep breaths, Takato. You can handle this. Besides, Jen needs you. That's all that matters.

I can't believe this happened to you, Jen. If it had to be one of us it should have been me. You don't deserve this. I'm so sorry, Jen.

He's sitting at my desk, facing away from me when I close my bedroom door. He's rubbing his chin the way he always does when he's thinking hard about something. It's like he didn't even hear me come in. I go up behind him and wrap my arms around him. He needs this right now. I know I sure would.

"Thanks," he says quietly.

I hug him tighter and rest my chin on his shoulder. What can I possibly say to make this any better? "I'm sorry."

He finally lowers his arms and places his hands on top of mine. "It's okay," he says. "I need to think is all."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask.

"I don't know," he says, shaking his head.

"It'll be alright," I assure him, even if I don't quite believe it myself. I rub my cheek against his to try and drive the point home.

He doesn't say anything. Neither of us does. I listen to the sound of both of us breathing. At first I think Jen's breathing is strangely calm for how upset he must be, but it slowly dawns on me that it's because he's doing a breathing exercise. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Slow and steady. Five seconds in, five seconds out, rinse and repeat. His chest rises and falls under my arms.

I wish there was something more I could do for him. Anything. I can't stand seeing him like this. This is different. Since I first met him if he was ever upset about something it was pretty easy to tell. He'd get angry or frustrated, but he'd let it out and start feeling better in no time. This though? I've never seen him shut down like this. What is he thinking? What is he feeling? He never holds back like this with me, not since the day he came out. I only want to help.

For right now I have no idea what to do for him. I'll be here though. No matter what I won't leave his side.

"I screwed up," Jen says after what seems like a long, long time.

"You'll be okay," I say to comfort him.

He shakes his head. "I don't know…"

"Tell me what happened," I say to him. "I want to help."

"You can't," he says quietly. "Nobody can. I'm… This is my fault."

"It's not," I say. "You didn't… Jen, you didn't choose this."

"I know, but—"

"And you tried to keep it secret," I remind him. "If anything it's because of me."

"No it isn't," he says soothingly. "This isn't because of anything you did, Takato."

Sure it is. If I didn't spend the night… If I wasn't going out with him… If I wasn't around he could have kept his secret forever. "Let me help," I insist.

Jen shakes his head. "I've got to handle this myself."

I hate it when he gets like this. Doesn't he realize he can't do everything alone? "Please," I beg. "I have to help, Jen."

He sighs and finally seems to relent. "Sorry about this."

"Don't be," I tell him once more. "Now what happened?"

He takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "Alright. You know how Rinchei and Jaarin… know about us?"

I nod. "Uh-huh."

"Well, my parents got back from visiting my grandparents today. We were… We were all having dinner together. Me, my parents, and my brother and sisters. We don't get to do that very often these days. It was nice."

After talking to Jen the other day I didn't think there was any way that Rinchei or Jaarin would ever out him, at least on purpose. They even promised Jen to keep it a secret. Then again, look where we're at.

"My dad asked what happened while they were gone," Jen continues. "I said I didn't do much, but then my mom asked if…" He trails off, going silent again like when he first showed up.

"If what?" I ask to prod him along.

He clears his throat. "If I went out with you." He shakes his head a little. "At first I was worried she meant, you know, on a date. But then she pointed out that we hang out all the time so she thought it would be weird if I didn't see you while they were away."

"Yeah. I guess we do see each other a lot these days. Even more than we used to." Crap. I thought we were being sneaky, but if Jen's mom noticed how much time we've been spending together she's probably not the only one. And if they've noticed that, what might they think? "What did you say?"

"I told her we hung out a little. I didn't want her to think anything was up. But when I said it, Rinchei practically choked on his food. He was okay, but… I don't know. He said it was nothing. Jaarin still kicked him under the table."

"I'm sure he didn't mean to."

"I know, but he's… My brother has never been great with secrets."

"I wouldn't think so after how he reacted the other morning," I say. I can still barely even think about that without blushing. Most embarrassing day of my life.

"Anyway, my dad asked Shiuchon about what she did," Jen continues. "She mentioned staying over at her friend's and…" There he goes again, trailing off.

"Keep going."

He sighs. "Promise you won't get mad?"

"Why would I get mad?" I ask.

"Just promise," he says. "Please."

"Okay, I promise I won't get mad," I assure him. "Now tell me already."

"This is really embarrassing," he begins again. "See, it was sort of _my_ idea for Shiuchon to spend that night at her friend's."

"Your idea?" I ask. Why would Jen want to—oh. Oh! Ohhh. Jen, you mean you… "You were… expecting that we might…?"

"No!" he says quickly. "Not _expecting_. But maybe kind of hoping. Or in case we wanted to have a quiet, romantic evening at my place. Not necessarily _that _but…"

"I know." Trust me, I know. I guess this is a relief. I wasn't the only one who had that on his mind all along. "Believe me, Jen, I understand completely."

"So when Shiuchon was talking about staying at a friend's place, she thanked me. I, uh, kind of offered to pay for everything. Movie rental, pizza, whatever they might need."

"So you bribed her," I say. I guess I wasn't the only one of us who was pretty desperate for a little alone time.

He nods. "She thanked me for the money and all that. My dad gave me a weird look. Rinchei… He had to excuse himself from the table in a hurry. Judging from how he looked it was a miracle he was able to get the bathroom door closed before he started laughing uncontrollably."

"Crap. I'm really sorry," I say.

"My mom said that was really nice of me," Jen adds. "I tried to play it cool but I don't even know what I said. I was nervous enough anyway, you know? But that whole conversation wasn't exactly helping me feel any better."

"So what happened then?"

"Jaarin tried to change the topic as Rinchei got back from the bathroom," he says. "She started talking about what she was up to while my parents were in Hong Kong. She said she'd had a night on the town with some of her old friends from high school. Unfortunately, my dad asked which ones."

"Why unfortunately?" I ask.

Jen sighs. "You wouldn't know this, but Jaarin had this one friend: Hideki. He was pretty much her best friend in high school. He was one of the ones Jaarin said she was out with. My dad asked…" Jen pauses and shakes his head. "Damn it. He asked why she and Hideki never dated. My sisters, my brother, and even my mom all laughed."

"Why?"

"You'd know why if you'd ever met Hideki," he tells me. "Jaarin told my dad that she 'wasn't Hideki's type.' When my dad didn't get it, my mom had to spell it out for him: Hideki is very, _very _gay."

"Ohhh." That can't have done Jen any good.

"My dad couldn't believe it. I don't know how he could have missed it though. Even Shiuchon knew."

"Well at least it seems like your family doesn't have a problem with it," I point out, trying to stay positive.

"Yeah, but that's not what I was thinking then," Jen says. "All I could wonder was why Jaarin had to bring up Hideki of all people. I don't like it when this topic comes up. Especially now."

I worry about Jen sometimes. I know what he means, and I don't like the idea of my mom and dad finding out about us either, but I get the feeling he still has a hard time dealing with being gay. I've tried talking to him about it, but he says everything's fine. I don't want to think he's shutting me out, but he won't share what he's going through and I really think it bothers him.

"Anyway, they kept talking about Hideki," Jen goes on. "Jaarin especially couldn't believe dad never noticed. Rinchei made a few jokes about Jaarin and Hideki dating. I couldn't believe they'd keep on talking about that, especially…" He sighs.

I pat Jen's stomach to remind him I'm still here. "It's okay," I whisper.

"Looking back, I think they were helping me," Jen says. "They were acting like there wasn't anything different, like they had no idea about me. And maybe they wanted to see how our parents would take it. But… right then, that's not what I thought."

"Jen—"

"How could they?" he asks suddenly. "Th-they said they'd keep it a secret, Takato." He hangs his head and runs a hand through his hair with a heavy sigh. "I thought… everything would be cool. But—I don't know. It was one thing after another and… and I trusted them. So when they kept talking about it…" He takes a deep breath and starts again. "I know they weren't trying to out me. But sometimes I can't stand them. I get so angry and when I do, I… I can't stop myself. I hate it."

I hate it too, Jen. I hate seeing you like that, but this might be even worse. I wish there was something I could do for you, something I could say. I'm bad at this sort of thing.

"It's my fault," Jen says. "It's all my fault. Damn it. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut?" He stops suddenly. He must have heard the same sound I did. "What was that?" he asks.

"Sounds like the back door," I say. "It's probably my dad taking out the garbage or something."

That's when I hear my mom calling from downstairs. "Takato! Could you and Jenrya come down here please?"

I look at Jen. His eyes are bugging out and he's looking down at the ground. He's clenching his hands so tight that his knuckles have turned white. This can't be good. "Be right down!" I call back a little timidly. "It'll be okay," I assure him. "I'm sure it's nothing."

He shakes his head. "I shouldn't have come here. I can't believe I got you involved in this. I'm sorry, Takato."

"Jen, I'm involved no matter what," I say. "After I left your place the other day I… I felt terrible. I can't believe I left you there to face your brother and sister all alone like that. I should have been there for you."

"No, Takato. They're my family, not yours. I have to deal with them."

"But I _want _to be there for you," I say, "no matter what. Jen, you're… I love you."

He looks back at me, his fear melting into a sad smile. "I love you too, Takato."

"You don't have to handle this alone. I'll be there for you Jen, even for the bad stuff. I won't leave you."

Jen lets his head hang and sighs heavily. "You promise?"

"I promise." I kiss him on the forehead to drive the point home. "Now come on. It'll be okay." I don't really believe that myself, but Jen needs to hear it. Maybe I need to hear it too.

He nods and stands. He takes a deep breath and his face is back to normal in no time. It's actually pretty amazing how much control he has; I know I probably look like more of a wreck right now than he does. He even leads the way down the stairs.

Don't worry. It will be okay.

Everything will be fine.

Because I'll be with Jen no matter what.

At the bottom of the stairs he turns toward the dining room and freezes. That can't be good. A second later I step beside him and follow his gaze.

We're screwed. I don't know what I was expecting, but it couldn't have been as bad as what I'm actually seeing right in front of me. There are my mom and dad and next to them are Jen's mom and dad, all of them looking right at us. None of them look happy. Not mad, but… not happy.

I can do this. This is going to suck but I can get through it. We can get through it together. I've thought about how bad this might go. I've thought about it a lot. I love my mom and dad, but I love Jen too. If I lost any of them, I…

"Jianliang, we were worried," his dad said.

His mom bows slightly to my parents. "Thank you for watching out for him."

"We're always happy to have Jenrya over," my mom says with a weak smile.

"We're sorry to have bothered you," Jen's dad says. "We'll get out of your hair now. Jianliang… we'll talk back home."

Jen looks down at the floor. He's scared, but he nods without a word. He's… he's actually going to leave with them. He's going to go and I don't know what will happen. They seem calm enough right now, but he was so upset when he got here. I can't let him leave. What if they won't let me see him ever again? I can't risk that. I can't lose him. "Wait," I croak out.

All eyes turn my way. "It's okay, Takato," Jen says softly.

I look him in the eye. "Don't go." I promised him I'd be there. I promised I wouldn't leave him to face this alone. I'll always choose to be with you, Jen. No matter what. I said that to him at dinner the other night and I meant it. "If you need to talk you can do it here."

My parents look a little surprised. Confused, too. Jen's parents look almost sad. I don't want to focus on any of them, though, only on Jen. I'm here for him. He needs to know that. Whatever happens, we're in this together.

Jen's dad clears his throat. "Takato, that's really not—"

"It's alright," I say. "Really. Anything you can say to Jen you can say to me."

"Is something wrong, son?" my dad asks.

I have to tell them. I have to. I have to get them to understand what's going on. They might be angry but they're still my mom and dad. They won't throw me out or anything. They can't. Not over this. They'll always be my mom and dad. So why can't I say it? Two little words: I'm gay. That's all. But I can't make myself say it. Even admitting it to myself was next to impossible. Telling Jen was a nightmare, even though I knew he couldn't possibly disapprove. This is so much harder than I ever imagined. I can't say it, but I have to. It's… it's… Damn it. Why can't I say it?

No one's said anything in a few seconds. I can't look at them, so I shut my eyes. I can't say it. I don't know why not, but I can't. I don't think I could ever do this if it was just for me. But this is different. This is for Jen. Even if I can't say it, I still have to do something. So I take his hand.

I can feel Jen's hand shaking in mine. It's cold and clammy, but his fingers slide between mine. I'm holding it way tighter than I ever have before. This time I'm holding on for dear life. He tightens his grip to match mine. I needed that. He won't let go either.

I glance at my parents. I don't want to see their expressions. I have to say one thing to them though, two little words. I wish I didn't have to. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," I hear Jen say. He's looking at his parents.

My mom and dad don't say anything. I hope that means they understand what I'm trying to tell them. That thing I can't say out loud, no matter how hard I've tried. I wish I could say this any easier with them knowing, but if anything I'm more scared now than before. It's out of my hands. I can't take it back. I can't keep it hidden. I can't believe I did that. I can't believe it.

"Jianliang, we're not mad," Jen's dad says. "But we do need to talk to you."

"We're worried," Jen's mom cuts in. "The way you ran out at dinner—"

"I'm really sorry," Jen repeats. "I shouldn't have gotten so mad."

"No you shouldn't have," Jen's dad agrees. "But that isn't important right now."

"You didn't even give us a chance to say anything," Jen's mom adds. "After you blew up like that you stormed out before we could get a word in." What? So Jen…? And he didn't even wait to…? Oh.

"I know," he says meekly. "I didn't mean a lot of what I said. I was so angry and I… I'm sorry." Suddenly I feel like a huge idiot. Jen's parents didn't freak out. Jen lost his temper and that's what broke his spirits. That's what he was so ashamed of. That's why he showed up here tonight, not because his parents threw him out or anything like that.

And now my secret's out. Mom and dad aren't saying anything. They're looking at us, at Jen's parents, and at each other.

"Jianliang, don't worry about it right now," Jen's dad assures him. "It's okay. We just want to talk to you about this."

Jen takes a deep breath and nods. "Okay."

"We want you to be safe," Jen's mom tells him. "This isn't… Have you thought about what this could mean for you?"

"Are you sure this is what you want, Jianliang?" his dad asks.

Jen sinks a bit. "I never… I didn't choose this, dad. It just…" He glances at me, his eyes looking so sad. This sucks. I wish there was more I could do. "It just happened," he goes on after a few seconds. "And… I'm glad it did." I'm glad too, Jen.

Jen's dad shifts his weight a bit. "Do you want to see someone about this?" he asks. "Some kind of professional or…?" I feel Jen's grip tighten on my hand and see an angry frown cross his face for a moment. I don't blame him. I feel the same way. Jen and I, we… we don't need to see a shrink or something. We're not crazy; we're not screwed up. If anything we're better now than we ever were before we could face this.

Jen's grip relaxes a little. "No," he says simply.

"We want to make sure you're okay, son," Jen's dad says. "We don't want to see you make a mistake."

"It's not a mistake," Jen says, his voice hoarse with frustration. "I'm not mixed up or anything. I'm… I'm…" I squeeze his hand to remind him that I'm here for him. It seems to calm him down enough that he actually manages a smile. "I'm happy: happier than I've been in a long time—since Terriermon was still here."

Jen's dad hesitates when he hears that, like those words cut right through him. That might have been playing dirty on Jen's part, but if it was me I'd have said the same, because it's true. Losing Guilmon was really hard on me. Being with Jen... It's been a long time since I've been this happy. I wish they understood that.

Jen's mom shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Jianliang, but this isn't something we saw coming. We never… What kind of mother would ever want this for her son?"

"It hasn't been easy for me, mom," Jen says. "I'm sorry, but this is who I am."

"It's not that," she tries to explain. "No matter what we'll love you the way you are, honey."

Jen breathes a little easier and some of the tension fades from his grip. "I'm glad," he says.

She shakes her head before speaking again, sounding like she's barely holding it together. "It's that… there are a lot of people out there that might have a problem with it. It can be dangerous and there's so much that could happen to you. No mother wants to see her children in danger. How… how can I accept that?" She takes her glasses off to wipe her eyes.

Jen drops my hand and I let him go. In a heartbeat he's standing with his mom, giving her a hug to try reassuring her. His dad puts a hand on Jen's shoulder. It's not over yet, I know, but that wasn't too bad. It's not great, but at the same time it could be a lot worse. I hope they can accept him. I hope things get better.

"Takato, can we see you in the other room for a minute?" mom asks quietly.

Oh shit.

I don't have Jen to hold onto anymore; the emptiness in the palm of my hand aches. I can't believe this. They know. My mom and dad know about me. And now they're going to talk to me about it. This has to be a bad dream or something. There's no way that I actually came out to them. But at the same time, it's all real. It's really happening. I can't even speak; all I can do is nod once. It feels like I'm a thousand miles away, watching my body walk itself out to the front room like it's on the way to the guillotine.

The store is all locked up for the night. The unsold bread from the day is already gone, the register is shut down, the windows and the door are covered. No getting in or out. This is not good. This is _so _not good. I stand by the counter, arms folded in front of me and trying not to look directly at mom and dad. They're standing by the archway leading into the bakery kitchen. I can feel their eyes on me.

I wish I had Jen here.

Mom is the first to speak. "How long have you…?"

How long have I what? Been gay? Known I was gay? Been with Jen? It's… it's complicated. How do I explain all this? Even I'm still struggling with it. If she doesn't finish her question, how can I answer? She must not want to. She doesn't want to know. Or she doesn't want to ask. Even if she asks, I don't think I want to tell her. "A while," is the best non-answer I can come up with.

"You're sure about this?" she asks.

Would I be doing this if I wasn't? I'm doing this. I can't believe it. This is actually happening. I feel like I could throw up. "Uh-huh," I say with a nod. I'm sure. I've never been so sure of anything.

Mom sighs. I knew it. She's disappointed. I… can't even look her in the eye. I'm sorry. "Is there something we could have done?" she asks.

Damn it. How do I make them understand? There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just… not quite what they expected. I'm happy with Jen. I'm happier than I ever was when I denied this. I'm just not all that happy at this particular moment. This isn't their fault; it's nobody's fault. Nothing's wrong with me. Nothing. But I'm sorry anyway.

It's exactly like the time I told them I was going to go to the digital world. I'd spent so much time hiding Guilmon from them, making sure they didn't know what I was up to. They didn't know how much danger I was in sometimes. But they had to know what I was going to do.

They had to know why.

Culumon was our friend. I had to help him. I had to be strong. And part of that was telling my mom and dad everything.

Jen is much more than a friend. I love him. If I could do that for Culumon, I can do this for Jen. I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down, but it doesn't work.

"Why didn't you tell us?" mom asks, wringing her hands.

I finally hold my head up and look her in the eye. "I'm gay," I say as clearly as I can. I wish I could have said that before now. The words feel heavy on my tongue, but I've got to keep going. "And I love Jen. That's all that matters."

"Stop it, Takato," mom says with a sob. "You don't know what you're saying."

My gaze falls a bit, but I keep going. "Please let me do this," I beg. "Please let me stay with Jen."

"But you're still so…" Mom's having a hard time with this. I knew she would, but I hate seeing her so upset. "You're still my little boy."

I look up at her again. "I'm still your son. This doesn't change that."

"But why?" mom asks. "Why did it have to be you?"

"I don't know," I admit. I used to ask myself that question a lot. "But I'm… happy. I'm happy being with Jen." Being able to say that somehow still manages to bring a smile to my face.

"It's too much," she says, shaking her head and wiping her eyes. "I never saw this coming. I… Takato, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted this to happen to you. Whatever we did, I'm sorry."

I let out a sigh. I can't stand seeing my mom like this, especially knowing it's because of me. "You didn't do anything wrong," I say. "It'll be okay, mom." Please don't try to change me. Please try to accept this. Please stop crying.

Mom doesn't say anything. She leans against dad, still wiping her eyes. I'm sorry. Damn it. Dad's… standing there. He hasn't said a word this whole time. If anything that's even worse than how mom's taking this. I want to ask him what he thinks. I want him to say something, but I know if he does it probably won't be good.

I wish I had Jen here with me. I know it's stupid and selfish, but I want him. I want him to help me keep going. I want to know that no matter what happens I'll still have him. I don't want to feel so alone.

Dad puts an arm around mom and gives her a hug. It seems to comfort her a bit. After a few seconds dad lets go and mom leans against the wall. Dad looks at me; he's not mad, at least, but there's something… almost sad in his eyes. He sighs, then looks away.

Dad, I… I knew you'd be disappointed. I hoped you could accept me, but this was how I figured it would go. At least with mom I thought she might understand. This was a mistake. It was all a big mistake. Why did I have to get myself into this mess?

Dad picks up the broom and dustpan leaning against the wall. Just like every night after we close up he goes to sweep the floors. He doesn't even have anything to say to me. Does he even still care?

"What are you doing?" mom asks him.

"Sweeping," he says like there's nothing wrong.

"Can't you do that later?" she asks. "How can you stand there sweeping during all this?"

He takes a deep breath then plants the broom firmly on the ground in front of him. "What else am I supposed to do?"

"Say something to your son," mom says.

"Takato's plenty old enough to make his own decisions," dad tells her.

She looks at dad, then back to me. "But he's only…"

"I know," dad says calmly. "But he's grown into a fine young man. We both trust him to do what's best, don't we?"

Mom nods, still looking at me. "We… we do."

Dad finally looks my way. "Takato, this might take a little getting used to, but I'm still proud of you. You know that, right?"

I… I can hardly believe I'm hearing this. "I know," I say with a slight nod.

"You're happy with Jenrya?" he asks.

I nod again, more emphatically this time. "Yeah."

"All we ever wanted was for you to be happy," dad says.

Mom nods along with that. "That's true," she says. "I'm worried though. I can't look out for you like I used to, Takato. You're all grown up now. I don't want to see you get hurt."

"Neither of us does," dad adds. "But you're a good kid. We trust you, and if you need us we'll always be here to help, okay?"

Holy shit. I've never felt so relieved in my life. I think I could cry right now. "Thank you. And of course I still need you guys. Y-you're… the best parents I could ever ask for."

They're smiling. They're actually smiling. And now I'm crying too, but I don't care. This wasn't easy and I know there's still a long way to go, but things are going to be okay. I know they will. As soon as she sees I'm crying mom comes over to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders. Dad joins us a second later, and I hug both of them back. I'm still scared how much things might change. I know things are going to get weird after this. But even if they see me differently, they still see me as their son. That's all I could hope for.

* * *

><p>It's been two days and I'm happy to say things have calmed down a bit. There's still a little tension in the air around here, but I think the worst is behind us. For the most part things are back to normal, although my bedroom door does have to stay open when Jen's over now.<p>

"You really don't mind?" Jen asks.

"Stop moving around so much," I have to remind him for the third time. This is the first time he's ever fidgeted so much.

"Sorry," he says, trying to resume his pose on my bed where the light coming in from the window hits him at just the right angle.

"It's okay," I say. "And of course not. I love having you over."

He shifts his weight a bit. It's almost like he's doing it on purpose at this point. "I know, but, uh… I'm not sure your parents are so thrilled about it."

"They'll get used to it," I tell him as I work on the hair that's hanging over his ear. "Give it some time."

"I guess," he says. "I mean, I'm still getting used to being 'out' too, so I can't really complain."

"Yeah, it feels a little weird still," I admit. "Although that might be because I can't really look my dad in the eye right now."

"Still?" Jen asks. "That 'talk' you two had is still bugging you?"

I sigh. "I wish. He, uh, gave me another 'talk' yesterday. This time it was the gay version."

"Holy crap," Jen says, looking a little sick. "I'm so, _so _sorry. How'd it go?"

"Not. Fun."

"I bet. I'm glad my parents haven't tried that on me."

"You haven't even heard the worst part," I say. "About half way through I realized I knew a _lot _more about it than he did. Especially after… the other night."

Jen turns a little red on hearing that. "Yeah, that was… quite the learning experience."

That's one way to put it. "I don't think we'll have the chance to do that again any time soon," I point out, nodding toward my open door.

"That reminds me: I don't think you're going to be able to spend the night at my place for a while," Jen says. "It was my dad's idea, but I think he's probably right. We should try to keep things a little low-key until they adjust, don't you think?"

"Definitely," I say quickly. "I think we've given them enough to worry about for now. Probably best not to make out in front of them or anything."

Jen laughs. "Yeah, that might be a bad idea. But for the record we can still make out when they aren't looking, right?"

"Oh absolutely." I give Jen a big grin. "And so you know—and I'm not saying it's likely to happen any time soon—if we did somehow get a chance to, uh, do _that _again…"

There's that blush again. "I wouldn't object," he says.

"Neither would I," I tell him.

"Hey Takato," Jen says, quickly changing the subject, "I was thinking, since we don't really have to hide anymore, maybe we can eat someplace a little closer next time we go out."

"I'd like that," I say.

Jen keeps fidgeting and I keep sketching. Even though it's a little weird, this is actually kind of nice. If anything the open door reminds me that we're not hiding anymore. It's not a secret. If I wanted to I could hold my boyfriend's hand in public without worrying about it getting back to my parents. I guess I got my wish. No more hiding for us. I still worry about what our friends might think. We'll deal with that when the time comes though.

"Takato?"

"Yeah, Jen?"

"Thanks for everything the other night," he says. "When I came over, I mean. You really helped me. I still can't believe you told your parents for me."

"Why not?" I ask. "I love you, Jen. I'd do anything for you."

"Oh…" Jen beams at that. I hope he holds that smile long enough for me to get it down on paper. I love seeing that smile, and I want to remember it forever.

I was worried about whether things would work out between us before. I still don't know everything that might happen, but I do know one thing. I know that no matter what I will always choose to be with Jen.

_To Hell and Back_


End file.
